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Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
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8:57 am
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I find it interesting the last time i posted one of these school was coming to a close, and now it is about to begin. For the most part summer has been simply delightful. It went by quite fast, and i wish i could have lived it in slow motion instead of a constant fast foward, but such things are only possible in movies, i.e Click..i suppose.
I have come to resent the quote " when it rains, it poars" because i know the true meaning of it. How come life cannot throw you a steady rate of curvballs, but instead when u get hit by one, the rest just keep on coming. That has to be the worst feeling of all, when EVERYTHING that could possibly go wrong does. It's not like you just got a flat tire, you got a flat tire, your battery died, your cat ran away, you got fired, and you have a terminal illness..or something like that.
why can't we all just pick a fairytail to live in. I wouldnt even mind having an incident with acid and just THINKING i was living in a fairytail for the rest of my life.
current mood:  bored
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| Thursday, May 18th, 2006
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8:40 pm
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I didn't go to school today, and yesterday I left early. I don't enjoy the feeling of wondering if i am alone. Am i alone in the thought that i have, does anyone else wonder the things i wonder, ponder the things i ponder, or contemplate the things i contemplate?
I am so done with school, but everyone is done with school. I've been done with school from day one of freshman year. I have a bad case of sophmore senioritus. I wish so bad i could get my GED and get the fuck out of here, but something tells me i would regret that idea. While i dread every day i spend in that shithole, and often find myself internally laughing at everyone's pointless conversations, maybe there's something missing. Maybe i am the fucked up one for not finding the good in my situations. Maybe i am the one that should be laughed at? Perhaps i am irritable that i have not found the light at the end of the tunnel, but maybe the journey is really what is worth while. Maybe i am too buisy being angry with my result, when really i don't realize i am on the journey, and need to START living it.
..if that makes sense
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| Sunday, May 7th, 2006
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11:20 am
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sometimes i hate doing the right thing..and trying to be a good person. can't i just not care?
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| Monday, April 17th, 2006
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10:32 am - ppffffff spring break
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so this is the first spring break that i havnt gone anywhere..and it is just incredibly boring! My mom is in hawaii, and im so jealous. Everytime i talk to her on the phone i feel really bad because it puts me in a bad mood. i love my mom and its really hard even spending like a week apart, but knowing she is there, and im not just makes me get an attitude with her, and she doesn't deserve it. sometimes i just cant really controll my moods like that.
usually breaks are supposed to be filled with jampacked events and trips and seeing famimly and too much to do, but everyday im just at home..doing nothing. Just staying home for a week isnt rest for me, i need to be off, OUT OF THE HOUSE, doing something fun..or anything really..
GET ME OUT OF HERE..SOMEONE..PLEASE?
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| Thursday, April 13th, 2006
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7:13 am
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My mom is in Hawaii right now..and i am SOO jealous. I would kill to be there right now..i miss it so much. I feel like ive been away from home for too long.
Soon enough i'll get to go to school there though, so there's always something to look foward to i suppose. Cali might come visit at the end of the summer which would make me SO happy. I could show her around and stuff, not that it's as neat here as in Haleiwa..I hope i get to go visit her this summer. It all depends if my boss will even let me have time off, cuz i'd want like a month in Hawaii and i doubt my boss will give me even a week off since i just started working there..
I've been going to the beach a lot here though, and it's really theraputic. I love it there, even if our shores aren't hot, sunny and clear, it's still beautiful in its own way.
I'm in one of those find the beauty in everything kinda moods, this might be a good day
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| Monday, February 20th, 2006
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11:38 am
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i just really dont want to be here. i wish there were a way to change it all..but there isnt, and that sucks.
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| Friday, February 17th, 2006
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9:37 am - leaving sucks
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well, ive come to my final day and i think im anything but excited. i mean i am totally and completely enthralled that i got to meet the people i got to meet and the things i got to do, but i dont want to leave! i want to stay here. i could imagine living here; where one is born is only their birth place, their home is where their heart is. my heart is here.
i will miss waking up to the sound of the ocean's waves. i will miss the sound of midnight rain on the lanai. i will miss the dawn-patrol of surfers that park infront of the house to check out the surf. i will miss the feeling of standing ontop a board that the ocean glides. i will miss the brisk air after a soothing rain. i will miss the friendly people who throw me the shaka. i will miss uncle brian mia and cali. i will miss the surfing community. i will miss just running into pro surfers in foodland. i will just miss everything about this place...
i just want to be home
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| Saturday, February 11th, 2006
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8:50 am - little old surf town
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I'm not sure if i know how to explain this feeling of mine. I have this intense ache in my heart n body. It's not much of an ache though..well maybe a GOOD ache...
It's a feeling of contentness. I am content. Do you now love the one moment you step back from life and think..everything will be ok...Even if you feel that way ony for that moment, it is still an emotion you would never trade in..
I'm in hawaii with my mom. We're in Haleiwa, Oahu. That's the north shore. It's so amazing here. I've been to other places in hawaii, like Kona. I love Kona for its sweet community feel. I always felt safe there and just good.
I know everyone must feel good when they go on vacation, especially to a tropical island, but it's not like that for me.
You see...my mom has been an island girl for a lot of her life. When she was my age she started going for summers by herself to Haleiwa, this very spot. she would take classes at the university, but mainly party and meet people. Ever since she was my age she comes back atleast once a year. Somehow she found money to do it even when she was a broke college student. She has always told me it's in her blood. I never realy understood what she was saying,"it's in my blood..." common mom hawaii is in everyone's blood (except for maybe elise because as long as ive known that girl i STILL cant understand why she hates the beach) but i just didnt understand.
The past few years it's been a sort of tradition for my mom and i to go to hawaii together. We're a lot alike and love eachothers company. She recently bought a condo in downtown kona, hawaii, which is the big island. I love it there, and she sooo loves it there. I have always loved it and always plead to stay longer. BUT-i've never felt that love she speaks of until this trip, atleast not to this extent. I love this place..the people..the plants..the animals..the birds...the shops...the rundown houses..the poor but i dont care attitude...the beaches..and the waves. I guess it's not something most people can understand until they feel it. I didn't understand my mom until i felt that amazing erg. I just felt i had to write it down..so i know it's all real
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| Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
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11:30 am
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So, i think my decision is final. I think. I think, i think, i dont know if i like the sound pf that. Why am i never sure anymore. I just wish someone could tell me what i want to do. I wish someone would tell me what the right choice is. What if i do this, and realize it was a mistake, there's no turning back.
I will stick with my new decision. Perhaps i have too high of expectations for this. Maybe everywhere sucks.
i hate this unsure feeling.
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| Thursday, January 5th, 2006
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6:43 pm - how do you know?
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How do you know what the right decision is? There's always atleast two choices to every decision you make. How do we know that we chose the right one?
I suppose no one ever knows. OR do you know you made the wrong decision when you are constantly second guessing yourself? Does everyone second guess their decisions?
I could go back, i could. Then i would be giving up every point i tried to make. I would be giving up, wouldnt i? Or was i giving up by leaving? Will i always compare the two? Will i never be happy with my decision? If i went back, would i wish i didnt?
HOW DO YOU KNOW, AHHHHHHHH
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| Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
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11:32 am - huffff....
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Sometimes i just get so frustrated. The most frustrating part is now knowing what exactly i am frustrated at. I know i am all around frustrated..but if i don't know at what. how can i fix it? how do i expect others to understand me when i don't understand myself..
current mood:  frustrated
current music: ben harper, walking away
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| Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
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11:14 am - i guess u could say it's like friendship
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"The best thing though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move. You could go there a hundred thousand times, and that eskimo would still be just finished catching those two fish, the birds would still be on their way south, the deers would still be drinking out of that water hole, with their pretty antlers and their pretty, skinny legs, and that squaw with the naked bosom would still beweaving that same blanket. Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be YOU. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldn't be that exactly. You'd just be different, that's all. You'd have an overcoat on this time. Or the kid that was you partner in line the last time had got scarlet fever and you'd have a new partner. Or you'd have a substitute taking the class, instead of Miss Aigeltinger. Or you'd heard your mother and father having a terrific fight in the bathroom. Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean you'd be different in some way- I can't explain what i mean. And even if i could, i'm not sure i'd feel like it" (122).
I found this quote in The Catcher in the Rye. I'm going to admitt i didnt read one page of this book(we are now on chapter 17) UNTILL last night when i actually read two chapters. i really really like it. I loved this quote. I don't really know why, but it just made me think. It just inspired so many thoughts...i'm wierd i guess.
current mood:  satisfied
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| Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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11:38 am
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| Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
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11:32 am - hum diddle dum
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Last night, I wrote my creative writing project for english. It was supposed to be based on the novel, Lord of the Flies. I put this project off for about two weeks, since it had been assigned, until the night before it was due. I am usually not a person who practices the art of procrastination, but lately that has been my fetish. Writing used to bring me an unusual kind of happiness. I used to feel better after writing and expressing my feelings with words. I had lost that feeling for a significant amout of time. It made me sad that i no longer felt compelled to write. Something that once brought me so much relief, suddenly became a chore.
However, last night when i was writing this little story, i found my muse, i guess you could say. I started typing and the ideas seeed to just flow out of my head. I go wrapped up into my own story. It was the sort of feeling that one gets when they're really into a book and they would do anything but put it down. I LOVED that feeling. I finished my paper, and felt such a weight lifted off my shoulder. It wasn't that i was extremely proud of the story itself, or that it was a big project that i had fnally completed, it was that i could write again. I could do it, and i could enjoy it again.
This morning my mom told me about one of her clients that had a daughter who was a jounalist. The daughter is currently in Buddahpest (sp?) writing about realistate. Though the subject of realistate journalism sounds a bit dry to me, according to her mom, she's extremely happy. The girl majored in creative writing in college, but once she got out she realized there wasnt any money in her field, so she went into journalism.
Now, after the previous night i had, this story kind of inspired me. It just kind of gave me hope that if this is really what i want to do, there's no reason why i cant go out and get it done. If i want to work for a big magazine as a writer or editor, or whatever i want to do for that matter, i CAN do it.
God, i love these days of idealism.
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| Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
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9:35 am - time
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One year ago today...
it still hurts like it was yesterday.
I still only have one question...
WHY?!
current mood:  drained
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| Monday, November 28th, 2005
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11:59 am - Kharma...fact or faux
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Sometimes i really wonder if good things come to good people. If you are genuinely a nice person, who always does things with "whats good" in mind....does the universe really boomerang good things right back to you?
On the same note, do bad things come back to bite bad people in the ass?
This whole concept i try to wrap my fingers around seems to leave me with nothing but frustraton. I know many people who have done so many horrible things to people, and yet they seem to be living in perfect harmony. Is the only way to get what you want, is to demand it? This just all seems so unfair. WHY can't good things come to good people, and vise versa. I grew up always being told that acting politely and acting respectably was always worth more than rebellion. BUT take a look around. Successful people generally are not generous and nice people.
I'm not saying i do good things and am completely good to everyone, because oh lord id be the first to tell you i'm no angel. But it is exhausting feeling like i did something good, or have changed ito a better person, and seeing no results. I'm glad with how i've changed, im a happier person for it, but it sucks when i get the bottom of the kharma pool. Why cant the lyers, cheaters, and backstabbers of the world gett the pooey kharma? Instead, the kharma giver was like, no brittany lynch deserves some of the universes worst kharma.
Well i have a question for you kharma giver....What the hell did i ever do?!
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| Monday, November 14th, 2005
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12:15 pm
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Don't people just frustrate you sometimes, like they just dont get it?
current mood:  aggravated
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| Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
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11:19 am - ATaisty Treat
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The blue stain from my raspberry dum dum only makes me love Holloween even more. Though the perpose of the holiday may be commercialized and juvanile, i soak it up for all its worth. Best believe i blended umongst the two year olds dressed as pumpkins. I held out my pillow case with a big grin as i said"trick or treat". It's an indescribable feeling, being a child again. I almost ascape from my problems and fears, and for that one night i am able to be the 5 year old girl, who doesn't care about anyhting but how much candy she gets.
I live for those nights, the nighs where i am stuck somewhere inbetween. In between the world of whiches and worlocks, and doctors and lawyers. I live to dream.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: journalism class
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| Thursday, October 20th, 2005
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11:06 am - school......ppffff
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I'm sitting in journalism completely bored because I'm done with my article way ahead of skedual. I did it on the new coaches here at Elmo. It was actually pretty good. This class definately has made me ralize that i do not want to be a writer for a newspaper. Newspaper is so dry ad monotonous, and theres no room for individuality. I'd rather write for a magazine where i can develop my own personality and voice. I have a lot of things to say, and opinons to convey.
I'm excited to start photography too. I didn't get into the photography class here becuase there's only one and placement relys on seniority. I was also a transfer so i got the bottom of the bottom, but i'm actualy happy wit my classes. Anywhoo....My english teacher Mr.Sumner is the photography teacher as well. So, yesterday i asked him if there was a possiblility of being an independent study photography student. He said Ms.Trombetta (the prinicipal) only lets him have 5 independent students for that class and he's full. I was really disappointed because photography is really something im interested in. I think he saw the disappointment in my face, so he asked if i had any free periods or periods where i dont do much. I said i had journalism 5th period and i often finish my articles ahead of tim, in wich case i usually sit and do absolutely nothing. He was obviously pleased becasue he told me that because i seemed like such a determined student, he would let my have complete access to the dark room and supplies. I have my own camera and can get fim, so basically im in photography class but with the liniency of doing whatever projects i want.
Those who know me know i would like to be a journalist for a surf magazine, and also take my own pictures. WELL i have these two friends here who surf regularly. I asked one of them if it would be alright if i took some pictures of them..surfing and just getting ready and stuff. Anyhting at the beach would be beautiful im sure...SO i was extremely excited about that!
What else is going on in my life....? I've been tanning the past like 3 days for homecoming and my butt is BRIGHT pink. oh lordie...it hurts like no other. my pants like rub against it and you dont even know..its BAAAD. I dont know if im excited for homecoming anymore.. i was HELLA excited, but im not so much anymore. I bet ill have fun once i go and stuff, but like i duno...I tried on my dress last night and i dont know if i like it anymore and i'm a little nervous about before. Tyler and Holly are gunna be there, which might be a tad awkward? Everyone will be with their boyfriends, and even tho i have a date, its just a friend thing you know? Maybe im making somthing out of nothing and i should just not think about it? Anyways there's my life in a nut shell. (mainly so Lauren knows whats going on in my life because i find out about hers through reading HER livejournal, AND she never calls me)
tah tah
current mood: bored
current music: chattering of the classroom
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| Thursday, August 4th, 2005
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10:05 am - im basically a soap opera
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Sometimes this world confuses me.. confuses me to the extend that i have to spend days at a time doing nothing but pondering my life. In a way it is nice to suddenly understand whats going on through great thought...but the times that i just cant seem to grasp what life has thrown me- it makes me want to jump off the deep end.
When people want you back, is it because they truely miss you and realized their mistake? Or is it because they miss having YOU want THEM? It truely could be either one, but if you guess the wrong one, you could end up hurting AGAIN. Is it worth the risk? How do you know it wont end up as another "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?" Is there no way of knowing?
When someone apoligizes to you, is it because they are truely sorry, and feel terrible for hurting you? Or is it because they, in fact, do not care about, but the fact that someone is mad at them: Meaning they apoligize just so they can walk around with light shoulders? How do we know?
Why is it that the thing you want the most..is just beyond your grasp? I seemed to have lost all faith in this little ol world...perhaps i should find the bastard? (which is actually my faith..but lets just call faith the bastard of our time)
current mood:  curious
current music: scilence
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